


Cold Comfort

by Tangerine



Category: X-Force (Comics)
Genre: Beer, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mexico, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-16
Updated: 2011-09-16
Packaged: 2017-10-23 18:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine/pseuds/Tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julio gets left behind, and there's beer in the fridge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this turned out to be little more grim than I intended. My bad.

Julio was hot, and sweaty, and pleasantly buzzed. The apartment, a dingy one bedroom with the world’s mangiest couch and an out-of-place flat-screen TV, was a fucking oven. Even opening all the windows didn’t help. No breeze, no promise of rain, nothing. Just eyeball-melting heat.

The fridge was empty, except for a tub of margarine, four eggs, and a case of beer. Maybe Star had money for groceries. He definitely didn’t. Star was better with money anyway, because Star hadn’t even realised he wanted things yet. Except that ridiculous television, which he had been totally hosed on, but whatever. They weren’t exactly living like kings, but they made ends meet.

Julio grabbed a beer, popped it open, and took a deep gulp. Better, but his skin still felt like it was dripping off his face. Living in America had totally ruined him for a blistering summer in Mexico. He remembered being a kid, playing outside in the hot noon sun, not even phased.

He tugged his shirt off, dropping it on the floor, then sunk down onto the ugly couch. It wasn’t too late, a little before two, but there wasn’t much on to watch. He paused on a channel with some half-naked women in a pool, trying to entice him into calling. He watched that for a while, mostly because he couldn’t with Star around. Shatterstar had no patience at all for infomercials.

He had no fucking idea where Star was.

He found himself watching the door and the clock in equal turns. It wasn’t like Star to want to go off on his own, but maybe that meant Star was starting to get a little more comfortable here. He had adapted to the crime-fighting aspect of their new lives pretty quick, but the cultural human stuff continued to baffle him. Julio had to give him props for even trying. He could only imagine someone dropping him in the middle of Mojoworld and expecting him to fit right in.

And _dios_ , he was being cooked _alive_ here.

He finally found something to watch – Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, badly dubbed into Spanish – and tried not to worry. Star probably wouldn’t kill anybody, since he had promised on their first day in Mexico that he wouldn’t get either of them arrested, but sometimes people got a little stupid around him, thinking they had the skills to take Shatterstar down.

 _Fucking idiots._

But by four, he was practically climbing the walls, but before he could send out a search party, he heard the key in the door and tried to look calm and relaxed when Star glanced over at him. He didn’t look happy, but then, he never really looked happy, but Julio could tell the difference.

“You okay?” He asked.

“It is very hot in here,” Star said, ignoring him.

“Yeah, well, welcome to Mexico. There’s plenty of cold beer in the fridge.”

Shatterstar nodded, heading for the kitchenette. Star drinking was a weird new development. Through a series of experiments, all of which had resulted in Julio blacking out and not remembering anything except the well-intentioned beginnings, they had managed to find out just how much Star needed to drink to get buzzed. Julio’s liver hurt whenever he thought about it.

Star dropped onto the couch next to him. His nose was a little too big for his face, but that was the only fault Julio had been able to find with him since they had started living together in this sardine can. That and he left his fucking sharp-ass swords lying around in random places. Julio had quickly learned not to walk around at night with the lights off or risk surprise amputation.

“Seriously, dude, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Julio pursed his lips. “Listen, if there’s a dead body we need to dispose of …”

“Nobody died,” Shatterstar replied, without looking at him.

“Are you seriously attempting to lie to me?”

“Yes,” Shatterstar said, taking a deep swallow of beer, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

Sometimes, Star could be an amazing asshole when he put his mind to it, and he knew how to push all of Julio’s buttons without even trying. It usually meant that Julio was getting a little too close to the truth, though, so if Star thought his aloofness would put Julio off, he was mistaken.

He poked Star in the thigh with his foot. “Hey, what happened? We’ll work through it, whatever it is.”

“I,” Star said then stopped, his lips stretching into a thin line. “It is no large deal.”

“Try me.”

Shatterstar sighed. “You are very annoying.”

Julio laughed. “Yeah, like you’re the first person to tell me that. So spill it. Who’s dead?”

“Nobody died,” Shatterstar repeated. “I merely … I believe I had sex.”

He was grateful he hadn’t been drinking, or else he would have choked to death. Shatterstar slanted his gaze in Julio’s direction, and Julio forced himself to keep his face passive, almost disinterested. A battle of emotion raged in him: relief, disbelief, anger, shame. It was fucking official now: he was the last damn virgin in X-Force, and probably the entire mutant population.

“Either you did or you didn’t, amigo,” he said, finally. It was totally fucking impressive how steady he managed to keep his voice when inside it felt like … like something. Something really painful, and awful, and loud. Like dying. “Did someone who isn’t you touch your junk?”

“Yes.”

“Then you had sex,” Julio said, lighter than he felt. _This_ was why he shouldn’t have let Star wander off on his own. Except Star had clearly decided he was finally ready to get naked with some other person, and Julio couldn’t fault him for that. It was all he thought about, sometimes.

 _Except._

There was an _except_ in there, and the roar in Julio’s ears was making it hard to think.

Shatterstar made a non-committal noise, taking another deep swig of his beer.

Even by common Shatterstar standards, this was not a normal reaction, and something dark and heavy settled into Julio’s belly. “Star,” he started, then stopped. It was hard to say what he knew he had to say, but Star could be a fucking idiot with other people sometimes, and he had assumed shit about him before. “I mean, you wanted it, right? Nobody … _forced_ you into it?”

“I was not forced,” Shatterstar replied, taking the remote and flipping the channel.

“Was she nice?”

“He,” Shatterstar replied.

“He,” Julio repeated, and he was _not_ liking what was going on inside his head. He was angry now, so angry it was taking every ounce of strength he had not to shake the building to the ground, and something else. Something equally as ugly. _Jealousy._ “You slept with a guy. So, what, are you gay now?” He asked snidely, knowing he was being a fucking prick about it.

“Does it matter?”

“Fuck yeah it matters! Fuck, Star, you can’t just … you can’t just drop bombs like this on me.”

“Sorry,” Shatterstar said blandly, and Julio wanted to fucking do _something_ to him, but settled on getting up and walking over to the open window, staring out into the night. He felt like he needed to puke. Somewhere in his messed up head, he know this was the wrong reaction, that he was probably fucking Star up for life for responding like this, like he had done something wrong.

He hadn’t.

 _But he really fucking had!_

Julio closed his eyes. “Was he at least nice?”

“He was very persuasive,” Shatterstar replied, racing through the channels. Even though Julio had his back to him, he knew Star was looking at him. “And very good looking,” he added. And yeah, Star was a fucking asshole sometimes. Julio needed to be reminded of that more often.

“Well, great. I’m happy for you. Are you going to see him again?”

“No.”

“You used a condom?”

“You said I should,” Shatterstar replied. “I did.”

“Good,” Julio bit out. This was the hardest fucking thing he had ever done, and the stupid thing was that Star didn’t even know. Because he had waited too fucking long, assuming Star was as messed up as he was, when it turned out Star was actually pretty normal, and it was just him.

He drained the rest of the bottle then headed for the fridge for another one. Star watched him without speaking, and Julio wished he had somewhere, anywhere, else to be. Most of his family wasn’t talking to him, which he couldn’t blame them for, him trying to kill their livelihood and all, and friends, well. The friends he had growing up had never gotten over the mutant thing.

So he had no one really, except Star, who had just. _Just what?_ The ugly little voice in his head asked. Ripped his fucking heart out? Damaged his already wounded pride? Julio’s anger, once white hot, was cooling rapidly, making way for that insidious jealous again, and a lot of self-pity.

“You are upset with me.”

“With myself,” Julio replied, staring down the neck of his beer bottle. “With everything.” A warm breeze blew in through the window, raising the hairs on the back of his neck. He shivered visibly, then took another deep gulp of beer. “What does it say about me, that I can’t even …”

“There is nothing wrong with you.”

Julio snorted. “Yeah, I’m perfectly normal. A fucking twenty-year-old mutant virgin.”

“We could …”

“Star,” Julio said, more sharply than he intended. “No offence, dude, but I can’t go anywhere with you. You’re just too … you attract too much attention. No one even notices me,” and fuck, if that didn’t sound even more pathetic when he said it out loud, but it was the fucking truth, too.

“You are not unattractive.”

“Thanks for the fucking compliment,” Julio snapped, and yeah, he had to get out of there before he tried to do something stupid. He drained the last of the beer, placed the bottle on the windowsill, then moved toward the door, walking full speed into Shatterstar, who caught him.

Star’s fingers dug into the fleshy parts of his upper arms. “You are too drunk.”

“Does it look like I fucking care?”

“Not particularly,” Star replied, after a thoughtful pause, “but I cannot allow you to leave.”

Julio shoved him away, knowing full well that Star let him. And that made him even angrier, because in the grand scheme of things, he was the more powerful one, the mutant who could bring down entire cities. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re not my fucking mother.”

“Clearly.”

“Fucking asshole,” Julio muttered, dragging his hands over his face. He was trying to be calm and rational, he really was, but Star just couldn’t pick up on cues, even the fucking obvious ones. “Can you lock yourself in the bathroom or something? I can’t deal with you right now.”

“I can take a shower.”

“Great, do that.”

Star nodded briefly, looking at him again, a serious expression on his face. Immediately, Julio wanted to apologise for the last half hour, to make sure Star understood there was only one asshole here, and it definitely wasn’t Star. But before he could say anything, Star turned and left.

“Fuck,” Julio swore softly.

Deciding that salvaging the night was outside the realm of possibility, Julio headed to the bedroom. The bed was unmade, rumpled with thin sheets. The heat was even worse in here, so he turned on the overhead fan, praying it made a difference, and not surprised when it didn’t. Shucking off his jeans, he climbed into bed in his boxer briefs, burying his head in his pillow.

He felt like crying, but he knew he wouldn’t. He hadn’t cried for years, preferring mute despair over wet dramatics, and to be perfectly honest, he wasn’t sure he even remembered how. His pain was solitary, hidden deep inside like a festering tumour. That’s how fucked up he was.

Even Star cried sometimes.

Julio wasn’t asleep when Star came into the room. He wanted to be, but this just wasn’t his night. He kept his eyes half-lidded as he tracked Star through the semi-darkness. Star was obviously aware of the attention, but performed his nightly ritual diligently, tugging on a clean pair of briefs, sitting on the edge of the bed as he braided his damp waist-length hair.

“I’m sorry,” Julio said, finally. “I’ve been an asshole to you all night.”

“Yes,” Star replied, looking back at him. “But I believe I might have deserved your ire.”

“Star, no one deserves the shit I said to you.”

“I made a grave tactical error tonight,” Star continued, seemingly ignoring him, but Star heard everything, even if he didn’t let on. As a sidekick, it made him useful, but as a friend, it was annoying. Also annoying was the way Shatterstar was regarding him. “You baffle me, Julio.”

“Join the club,” Julio muttered.

Star frowned deeply. “Are we in a relationship?”

Julio was really fucking grateful for the lack of light, because he felt a different sort of heat fall over him like a blanket. It felt like embarrassment, like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t, but different, too. Uglier, like Star was finally calling him on something really awful.

“I don’t know,” Julio said finally, “but it probably looks like it. To some people.”

“You never indicated your interest in your own gender. In fact, you have been overly critical of people in homosexual relationships,” Shatterstar pointed, clinical and cold, and that unpleasant warmth on Julio’s skin exploded into an inferno of shame. “But you have also never stated your preferences. You comment openly on women, but you never take any action with them.”

“I’m not gay,” Julio said quickly, too quickly, and yep, he wanted to curl up and die right then. All those things he had been ignoring, those feelings that had haunted him his entire life, were obvious enough that even Shatterstar, world-class idiot, could see right through all his lies.

“It would be okay if you are.”

“It would not be okay to me,” Julio replied. “Star, you gotta understand where I come from …”

“Your mother is okay with it.”

“My mother does _not_ know.”

“Now you are being purposely obtuse,” Star said, the first cut of anger to his voice that Julio had heard all night. “My ignorance is borne of my own confusion, but your mother is clearly more observant. We spoke on the topic, and I understand now I may have unintentionally misled her.”

“She knows we can’t afford a two bedroom. Hell, we can barely even afford food!”

“But neither of us sleeps on the chesterfield.”

“That thing is fucking uncomfortable. Springs everywhere. Smells like ass. It’s disgusting.”

“You have excuses for everything,” Shatterstar said, clearly disapproving, and Julio turned onto his side, concentrating on breathing. This had been a bad idea from the start, and Julio had known it. Known he shouldn’t have let Star come, known he shouldn’t have let them get to this point. Playing house like two kids, like two idiots. Julio had used Star’s innocence against him.

Once he was sure Star had to be asleep, Julio rolled onto his back, sweating. His hair was damp, glued to the back of his neck. He had let it grow out again, because Star had said he liked it, once. _Idiot._ No wonder he wasn’t fooling anyone; he had somehow forgotten he had to hide it.

“Stop staring at me,” Julio said suddenly, turning his head to confirm, yep, Star wasn’t asleep, and yep, Star was full on staring at him. If they were going to keep this up all night, Julio might as well just get up and plant his ass back in front of the television. “I can’t sleep if you do that.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I am,” Julio gritted out.

“Now you are attempting to lie to me.”

“Just drop it,” Julio snapped, sitting up, swinging his legs off the mattress. Star reached for him, to do what, Julio didn’t know, but he ducked out of the way and stood. He wished he was anybody other that Julio Esteban Richter, the most fucked up repressed mutant in the universe.

He watched the cars on the street for a bit, aware that Star was standing behind him. It could be so much easier than this, he thought, if they hadn’t been who they were. It was hard to even imagine a normal life. So much time spent on mutant things that the human things suffered.

Or maybe he was just broken beyond repair.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Julio said, the best peace offering he could manage. “I’d be a fucking liar if I told you I hadn’t thought about it. That I hadn’t _noticed_ you. You know, _like that._ ” And fuck, this is was hard and embarrassing. No wonder he had kept his mouth shut.

“He looked like you,” Star said softly.

And that, finally, brought hot tears to his eyes. Maybe he was human after all, he thought, even as he blinked them away. “But I can’t, Star. I’m not ready. I’m not. I probably never will be.”

“Look at me, Julio.”

He turned around, finding it almost impossible to fulfill Star’s request. Star’s hands cupped his shoulders, tightening on his skin, and Julio forced his gaze up. Star’s eyes were absurdly blue.

“You are not this weak. I know you aren’t.”

“It’s not weakness,” Julio said angrily, trying to twist out of Star’s grip and failing miserably.

“It’s self-pity, which is close enough.”

“ Are you trying to piss me off?”

“Not intentionally, but I will not be dishonest with you,” Star replied. “This will pass. I know you well enough by now, though I rarely understand you.” Star glared at him accusingly, and Julio shrugged apologetically. It was true. “And when you are ready, I will fuck you senseless.”

“I, _what._ Where did you hear that? Do you even know what that means?”

“It means I will have vigorous and enthusiastic intercourse with you. Once you are ready.”

“Jesus.” Julio was blushing so hard he was afraid he was going to pass out, and Star was all poker faced, like the shit coming out of his mouth wasn’t ridiculous, and the hottest thing Star had ever said. “It probably won’t be any good,” Julio mumbled, “if you and I were to …”

“Stop lying. It will be amazing.”

And yeah, shit like this had been much easier when Star had been new and naive, downright dismissive of every human nuance that came his way. But things changed, and people changed, and maybe one day, Julio could handle people knowing his business, judging him on things he couldn’t change. He’d gotten used to being a mutant, loved it, so anything was possible, really.

He hoped to fuck things could change.

“So what now?” Julio asked, after they had sized up each other for a bit. “Do we just keep pretending?”

Star frowned deeply then shook his head. “No, I will leave.”

“ _What?_ ” Julio shouted, putting both hands against Shatterstar’s chest and pushing him with all his strength, which meant he didn’t move at all, not with Star still holding on him, so he thumped at him ineffectually instead. “That’s not what I meant! We can live like this. It’s okay!”

“It isn’t,” Star insisted, freeing one of Julio’s shoulders to slide his hand against Julio’s face instead. “I hurt you badly tonight, because I could not see the obvious. These human things, I am not very good at them, but I will be. I will learn to be a man, and I will come back to you.”

“And just what exactly am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Live. Have sex with people who attract you. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin.”

“Because I’ve done such a fucking good job of that so far.”

“Our relationship is not healthy, Julio. Not right now. Sure you can see that. Even I can.”

Julio curled his fists against Star’s chest. “And what makes you think it will be? We’re mutants. Things change in an instant. One of us could die. Hell, both of us probably _will_ die. If I let you go, I might never get you back again, and that would seriously suck, dude, you have no idea.”

Star smiled. “I have some idea, Julio. You are not alone in this.”

“I feel pretty fucking alone,” Julio muttered.

“And I am sorry for that.”

Julio stepped back, and Star let him go. The shitty thing was not that Star was right, because Star was always right, but that Julio had run out of excuses. It was all out there now, all his dirty little secrets, and Julio felt raw, like a layer of him had been scrubbed away. He looked over to Star, who was climbing back into bed, and Star met Julio’s gaze over his shoulder, tilting his head.

“Julio?”

“Nothing,” he said.

Star shrugged and lay down on his back, closing his eyes. Julio stared at him for a little longer, memorizing the curve of his body, just in case. Broad shoulders, narrow waist, tight muscles in between. Large hands and large feet, and that ridiculous too big nose. Lips, pink, like his nipples, and his cock, barely hidden behind tight-fitting white cotton, undeniably male. _Hard._

Nothing ever worked out for him. Why couldn’t Star understand that? This was a terrible idea.

“You’ll find me?”

Star opened his eyes and lifted his head. “I will kill whoever stands in my way.”

“You don’t have to go that far.”

“To the ends of the earth, Julio,” Star said, “I will find you. And then I will kiss you.”

Julio sat down on the edge of the bed, mattress dipping under his weight, and felt Star’s fingers spread against the small of his back. Julio would miss him, this sort of comfort, having another body so persistently in his space. He had never had it with another person, man or woman. It had annoyed him back in X-Force and the New Mutants, these people living in his pockets, no privacy at all. With Star, it had been different, but then, everything had been different with Star.

“And I will kiss you back,” Julio replied.


End file.
